I am counting my dollars to see if it's enough till the end of the month. I've spent my entire salary for shopping and honestly I don't think I can survive till the end of the month now.

Anyway, I bought a new toy today. And seriously, my card has been declined since last night. Did I just maxed out?

When I was at college, I fell in love with one of my course mate.
He is 6 foot tall and he got this blue eyes.

When I was at college, I fell in love with one of my course mate.
He is a Canadian with bright smile.

He used to sit at the corner of the classroom whenever we had the same subject together.

During that moment, I was pretty sure that what I did was the right things to do.
Then I texted him with my other number.

I wasn't aware that the relationship goes on well for like a year.
Some people says, how can you be in loved with someone who you never even meet before.

And I wasn't aware that I've created a fairy tales for him.

For all these years, I do sometime remember about him. I felt sorry for myself.  For lying. For cheating. For couldn't be my own selves.

How could I knock someone door and walked away just like that?.

Amazing to think that, no long ago we were both only two strangers who work under the same management.
It was too amazing to think how did we come into this far. And we were the hot topic for last week.

My days are falling into a sort of life pattern which is hard to explain. Apart from my shopaholic addiction I guess I am a beauty freak now. But all this - is a neutral ground.

As I walked today with  my sales team, I smiled and keep looking at my mobile. If this is what we call the thrill of things which can kill - I may say, I'll take it as it may come. But for now, don't stop the music.

This could be dangerous.

I had a tough day in the office today. The GM keeps on attacking me. For I don't know what reason he keep saying something like, if your MD is not around I am your boss. The thing is he is not my boss, he just happened to be more senior than me. I think he forgot that my MD is the paymaster who pays for his salary and his house which tentatively is not his yet. He still couldn't get the fact that I am the MD second big lady. If he can talk with no respect to the owner of the company, can you imagine how he talks to me.

I told my MD about this. And keep on saying the Sun Tzu Art of War. He keeps on telling me to be calm and patience because when the day come he will end up with nothing. I'll wait.

So, I had so much yesterday. I was so stressed and I end up myself at Sephora. And you can't believe it how much I spend. I can't believe myself either. It was $930.00. I just swallow myself- if that makes me feel good.

Then I bumped with this product. It calls FRESH ROSE FACE MASK. What I like about this product is, the cold gel makes me feel so calm,soothe and relax. The smell is so good. It smells something like SHILLS Rose product. Since I have a problem with dehydrated skin, I think this mask should be the best for me. As it said, works well in toning the complexion into radiance and suppleness.

Apart from that, it can help brighten the skin. Wow, this is so much already.

Okay let just try.

Some say it is not easy to leave our old selves behind. Life is unexpected.

I have nothing much to write today. In fact, I am excited as the weekend is finally approaching. 

I may sound too lonely but having a boyfriend at the wrong time could be a disaster though. Sometimes, I do wish I could have someone who I can talk to. Who I can laugh it during my hardest time.

Can someone make me fall in love? Instead of me approaching them?

I thought I was getting on better today. I just couldn't get along well with the General Manager. I'd tried to act normal but it was so obvious that people surround us do notice about us.

I went out  for a late lunch with new friends who happened to know him very well. They said, I should just ignore him and do work professionally. Don't let the emotion control me because if that is the case, it showed how weak I am.

So with heavy heart. I still proceed the discussion with him.
It's difficult especially when he is trying to find my mistake on purpose.

I wish I couldn't  particularly be bothered.
I am not prejudice. My judgement based on reason and experience.

Last weekend, while waiting for a dinner I hang out with one of the Malaysian basketball player at one of the local coffee shop. I am not a sketchers freak. I am not into Adidas or even Nike or even Under Armour.

Then again, there was this one topic where they were talking about Jeremy Scott design. And they showed me one of the photo.

And they challenge me if I am dare to wear this.

Taken From Google

Anyway, if you don't know there will be a big events at Summit for all the sketchers head on 22th September 2013 at Summit.

I kinda like this but I am not so sure if I dare to wear this at public.

I used to pick him up and send him away to the airport. It's not like the first time I am sending him away. But today, I felt sad.  Sad for being more than 8000 miles away to each other. Sad for waking up in the morning and knowing that L.A is 18hours different from K.L.

I can't believe how I am relying so much to my Managing Director.

Anyway, I am driving out to see my sales team now.

Life has to be strong.

Okay there are two choices here. Either I can keep myself staring out of the window worrying about the future or keep my journey forward.

I finally found my dream job. But the road is not always clear. There will be always an obstacle along the way.

Just like  what happened yesterday, the GM called me up and scolded me for some nonsense. Obviously, he is not happy with the new system and about us bringing new people. He felt insecure. But he has to accept the fact that I am the second lady after the owner of the company.

What I did or whatever decision that I made are meant for the company itself. And I put my foot down that if he is not happy he can leave and the fact that he thought that "I think that with my position now, I can do whatever I think I can -  because I am big"... - thaaat... I will have to say, it's your lost. I bet you can figure out where is my name in our company now. My name sit at the first chart before your name. The fact is my name come first before yours. So you have to swallow that I am the boss.

So being nice to people not always good.

I chose to draw the line now. Because I'll not given up.

To his great annoyance, let me tell you back then, I was just a normal girl who doing the office job from nine to five - five days a week.

I felt insulted when he makes a remark about how much I am getting paid.

As much as I've been reading books nowadays. One of the books, taught me that, "Never underestimate one's capability".

All I'm saying is that, I am a different person now. I do not have to brag about everything because eventually you'll get to know about me and that time you'll feel sorry about yourself.

Welcome to the corporate world. And it's a blessing in disguise.
You can change your name, but you cannot change your skin.

Wilfred was my first high school boyfriend. I was 13 and he was 15.
I thought we are going to get married but it turned out that we were not.

He was tall with a fair skin and I could say that he was the most good looking guy I've ever seen in my entire life ( that moment ).

I had  two boxes of his love letters to me. Although we never really go out for date but looking at each other from far and exchanging smile was enough ( during that golden years of mine ). Still, I thought we were going to get married soon.

I was just fooling around when I saw him for the first time. But the next thing I knew,we were writing letters to each other.

How sweet.
I wish I could have one photo with him together.

Still, I love him for being real and true.

And for the record, we didn't get married.

Love changes everything.

How's life? I forgot that I've been so silence for few months. Does it feel like a decade?
I forget that I was the author of this blog and it seems like my blood run smoothly here.

Why? Because I think I felt much more secure here. There are always a different when you've written so much and people tend to read you and dig about your personal more than expected.

I've had a damaged heart. But I overcome my past.

In between of my journey, I stumbled into someone. Who I thought just an ordinary person. I fell down and I've given up. And I am ready to go. I just thought that I've made a big mistake but it turned out to be something which I've never expected.

Now, I am sitting at my leather seat where everyone is trying to play me out. It's tough but life is getting better. I can't predict the future-but I know it is going to be awesome.

And Ex, you were looking down at me when I told you that I only earned 2500 per/month few months back while you are earning 50K. Never look down on people, because you never know. Money only impress a lazy girl. When a woman works hard,a man with money is just a bonus not a ladder to upgrade.

Have a good weekend.

6th April 2013

I managed to reach Singapore at 11:49am. The weather was pretty much fine. The first thing which I noticed about Singapore was there were trees all along the road from the Changi Airport heading to the city. It makes me feel more like coming back home.

Here is the first photo I took as soon I got in his car.

I told him about Boon Tong Kee which I found on the net few weeks back. It seem to be the famous Chicken Rice shop in Singapore. The chicken was fine but I think the taste was not as what I am expecting. But overall, it was okay.

And by the way, this is how SG car park coupon looks like.

Later that day, we took the cable car at Faber Mount to Sentosa Island. We don't really plan on it. We just thought, it would be nice to ride the cable car and get the feeling and return back to the city after that.

Anyway, we got ourselves a way to the Underwater World after that. And you have no idea what had happened to me. I felt so regretted to stumble upon the snakes dude. Eww, you have no idea how stink it was and I was like Oh my God I smell like a snake. However, it was a good exposure.

As for dinner, we went to the Mr.Bean Cafe. The name was pretty much funnier to me but I swear to God, the name is really Mr.Bean Cafe. I did not take any photo as I am too tired and hungry.

I managed to walk around Clarke Quay for a bit. How I wish I could get drunk and enjoy all the songs playing at Clarke Quay that night but hmm - maybe next time.

I am not sure how does Heroin taste like. I am not so sure how does Methadone works on the body as well.
But I know, the strong will to live will be the best weapon to survive.

It was pretty dry and hot Sunday afternoon that I decided not to write at Alexa's Journey anymore. It has been abused too much. It was obviously my fault. And I don't have that much interest to be that pretty known blogger writer either.

It was quite sad when I did not set up a filter to every post that I am about to publish.

Anyway, looking back;

The first reason when me and my cousin set up the old blog last time was just to blurt out our thoughts and feeling. I am not really up for blogging that much so I keep on writing for another blog of mine ( on and off ) until we both decided to go with our separate ways. A year or two years after that, I decided to write again and deleted some of the un-related post ( at the same blog where we once shared) just to keep away all the confusion. But what I felt now is that, the blog has been abused so much especially when I never control the post which I've written and keep it published publicly.

I think now is the best time to let go the old post . I have the strong instinct that a new start is just what I really need for a kick start.

Besides, I need to keep the old blog away from my new job. As pictures are everywhere and I don't wish people to know my personal life especially the love of my life.

I may sound too cocky. But let us put this way, you may not like it when your Managing Director is reading your update on the blog every morning and I would not want to enter my office with my shaking heart.

Have a blesses Sunday everyone.

The mood forecast was clearly positive, I literally had turned on my positive-alarm to this new job obviously even though it was short notice.

Woke up as early at 5:45am and I left for work like 6:30am. Amazingly, I am an early bird today. I never come to work so early like today.

The place is clearly a strange place to me. So I brought my yogurt along and luckily I kept some crackers with me. I tried to get some sleep but my eyes got stabbed by the sunlight. So I decided to start my reading on my newly bought book yesterday.

I did not really start my work today. I came in for an early training and God, I've been writing and jotting quite a lot of important stuff ever since I could remember.

I like the accounting system. I loved how does it work smoothly and how it's provide all the data which I needed. It's clearly cure my rotten brain after being rested for 11-months. That was pretty long enough for a fast person like me.

I have to admit that I felt like I just had some grass as I am completely sleepy. I really need to adjust my timing and you have no idea how I am really struggling to pull myself back together - AS I've been yawning since the morning itself.

By the way, I met new friends. Their name is Kennie, Adeline and I forgot the other lady's name. I'll ask tomorrow.

Anyway, I survived. I managed to survive.

P/S I miss him. I MISS HIM. I miiss you D.

"I think it's safe to say you know the least about anything of anyone in this room." - Hoodwinked

We were having some coffee when she comes and approach us.
I have to admit that she freaked me out and it ruined my day. Not because of something else but she tensed me up.

She was talking to us like almost 30-minutes and I have not ordered any drinks yet. She asked me why didn't I say hi to her. And that was really amazed me for God sake. I didn't know that I've become a favorite over here. For a moment I thought she got the wrong person but when she called me by my name I was mesmerized.

I can choose to say NO when she asked for my number but I somehow have this kind of respect for older people. It was such a pain when she keeps coming to our table and keep dragging me to sit with her. I am wondering why would she wanted to do that.

And, I don't expect people will remember me.

When I tendered my resignation a month ago, the news spread way too fast.
I've been there for like 11-months and it was really amazing that actually people do really notice me.
They've arranged tons of farewell luncheon and dinner for me and they brought me gifts.
The most important thing, they remember my name.

I don't remember being nice to anybody.

Anyway, it's been a tiring day today. And I am tired.

"I can take life as quickly as I can give it." - Fired Up.

Mom called me early morning today.

As we talked, I can hear the Hillsong's was playing at the back.

I love my parents.

Let me tell you something, last Saturday I flew to Singapore.

And it's remind me of going back to Kota Kinabalu . Although KK is not that modern as Singapore yet but some of the roads remind me something about my hometown and the best part the people itself.

I am not trying to judge anything here, but the people reminds me of being at my own place. 

Back at my hometown, we are free to wear anything and nobody will ever says anything about it.

I don't have to worry if my pants that I am wearing is too short or my sleeveless is far too tight that it shows my cleavage. Everything just so relax.

Well, please don't get me wrong. I am not having and issue here. This is just my blurting out. About how I feel so homie back at Singapore.

I love all the trees along the way. And I fall in love with the city when I see people walks their dogs in the middle of the city.

Speaking about my parents. They were telling me that they went to Church and had some BBQ later that day. They had some of my relatives coming in for lunch. Mom told me, I should be home because Dad did the best BBQ in the world. And I told mom, how people still mis-interpret my name and so on. I told her how people thought that I come from the Philipines because of my look. I told her there was this lady speaks to me in Tagalog when I was inside the plane to Kuala Lumpur. And my Mom just laughed. She said, don't worry you are my daughter. Laugh out loud.

So, Easter just passed.

It's April. What is your biggest sacrifices?

I have had people walk out on me before, but not - When I was being so charming - Blade Runner

Last night was the greatest night ever.
Not because I was in Singapore but that's because I have my boyfriend around.
From what I remember we were having some issues the last few days.
But seeing him smiling and waving at me right through  the entrance door is the happiest moment ever. And -
Having him hugging me tight and holding my hands while we were walking makes me feel so good. It feels like I am whole again. Complete. Loved.

But I understand that everybody have different attitude and character.

And that something that I ( I rather like to put it as in 'we' ) need to learn and understand.

It's April and I am still holding strong to my Long Distance Relationship.

I have to admit that it's not an easy job to do especially when my mobile signal get crazy ( all the times ) and that happened when I really need to talk with him.

It's not easy as well when I am expecting his text and he stuck with tons of work.

I just need to study him and he need to study me too.

There is this famous quotation that I heard from somewhere. It said, we are all given second chances in everyday of our life, but at the times we don't usually take them.

Everyone made mistakes. Who doesn't.

And I choose to be positive. Because I know, nothing comes easy.

Good night.

I don't get it why we can forgive but yet not to forget. I just don't get it how people can easily push you away after all the things you've done for them. I don't actually get it why do we have to let go things that we care so much and later of the day it comes back and you just don't know how to react about it. 

I just don't get - how the things that you least expected happened.

Now..

I might couldn't understand a lot of things in life but I know my life will be great.

Hugs.

( Just feel like blurting out- nothing serious, laugh out loud. )

I woke up this morning with Him on my mind.
And obviously I keep checking on my mobile phone because that is the only way for us to communicate apart from Skype.

Let me tell you something about my boyfriend.
My boyfriend always on the run. So by the time I can get him on Skype it will be really late and I have to work the next morning. And honestly, I miss my boyfriend - now. I miss the day when we first met. The day when my mind was all over the place. The day when I less expected. The day when I just feel like it might be another one normal silly day.

But it turned out to be something else.
And obviously, it's a long distance.
And everyone knows;
A long distance relationship takes a lot of effort for things to work.
It takes a lot of trust and understanding.

I remember when I first knew him, I used to tell him that I can't understand him at all. It's been going on for like three weeks and so. I still have that uneasy feeling like a few months back. Maybe because I wasn't that sure.

Unlikely now, all I could think is to be with him. I guess I am learning him.
But somehow, we still have to keep life moving.

And I am going to start my new job this April. Wish me luck.

I fall in love with Jason Chen's song since the first day I saw him on YouTube.
His song keeps me moving with my writing and my song.
I wish I could ever sing with him one day. And if I could not, I wish he can sing the song that I've written quite sometimes. Anyway, I just found out that he came by to Singapore and I missed his show. Quite frustrating.

And;

It was clearly not that very productive day for me yesterday.
But he was right enough when he said that I shouldn't show my anger to my loved ones when I get angry with someone else. I guess nobody really tells me that before apart from my dad long ago.
He just so different in so many ways ( not in the bad way of course )

I remember when he told me on our second date that I should tell him whenever if I feel there is a problem between us. I heard him but I am not sure how to react. Then again he told me yesterday that he would appreciate it if I could be more direct. The line got cut off. And I texted him and he replied me later that day. Surprisingly, he didn't scold me for that.

He just so different in so many ways and that makes me fall harder for him.

You may say I am crazy but you can't feel what I feel now.
You can have all the money in the world but you can't buy feeling. Because feeling what makes the relationship stronger.

And this time, I wanna be with a person which I truly love with all my heart.

So you've got my heartbeat.

Another week without my man.
I wish you were here.

Stay Positive because it's worth living. Have a good weekend.

Woah, I was talking to my boyfriend when my cousin came in. He was looking at me one kind. Not that silly one kind but that "wtf my cousin have a bf now".
I was secretly looking at him when he passed by me and I was like "hey! my cousin is handsome". Laugh Out Loud.

I don't really talk to this cousin but when we were little we used to play together and I used to make him cry. Now that we are big enough we stop talking to each other. It is not that we hate each other but somehow maybe we feel awkward with each other. Laugh Out Loud.

But one thing I like about this cousin is, he waits for me till I get back home when I was out at night. He accompanies me at home when aunty is not around at night because he knows that I am scared to be alone in the house.

There was once when I woke up late in the morning and I rushed to the bathroom for my shower. It was pretty late and it's suppose to be his turn  but because of me he didn't manage to get his shower because it took me almost 30-minutes to finish everything. By the time I finished my shower I saw him leaving his room without a shower. I didn't ask him anything because I am in my towel.  Laugh Out Loud.

My cousin is quite energetic. We both do sports. The only difference is, we don't do it together like how we did when we were small.  We both are talkative. The only thing is we have our own friends now. And that explains why we don't hang out together like we used to before. We both are adventurous but the thing is we treasures our own adventure with our own life partner now.

But deep inside our heart. We do still care for each other because we are FAMILY.

Anyway, I know that my cousin is a rock. Even if he got huge girlfriend.
And I have my great man even if we are 197 miles away to each other but that makes us cool.

Have a blast night.
When life gives you vodka, we add lemon.

This is all I could think for Boey's new book cover. I suggested him to draw himself and River sitting next to each other at the park but then again it doesn't seem to stay in line with the title itself. Yeah he was right enough about that.

Well, I am planning to draw a boy holding a balloon back then but I am not really good with drawing.

What I am trying to say here is, a balloon represents a memory by a young kid. And he is holding the balloon as  that's been his life about when he was small. The unforgotten childhood memories.

How do you think?

Since I don't have any brother or sister, I get too attached to people who I am comfortable with so easily.
I don't know why, but I am quite clingy sometime (maybe most of the time).

But don't get me wrong, I am not that friendly to everyone. It takes some time for me to even create a conversation to strangers. But normally, I'll smile and will do my scanning ( you know I like doing that ).

However I am quite spontaneous I must say. And when I get angry or upset, I'll talk less. Once I was upset with my boss and I say things without knowing that he was just few steps away from me. I was actually shocked (but pretending that I am not) and I thought I am going to lose my job real soon. But it didn't. We didn't talk to each other for like three days back then. The longest was like a week. One day I came to his room and said, Mr.X can you please sign this while looking at him like so serious and my voice quite tight. And you know what did he say, he said - seeing your face like that already scared me. Laugh out loud. Somehow, I don't know I can blend so well with my boss. Even though we usually disagree alot  with the job relating issues. But that's just business.

I somehow like it when I get serious or fed up with someone because I know that I'll get really firm and strong. Like how I am being firm with one of the AP people this evening. It is not I am purposely doing it but somehow I have to do it. Because people sometimes don't listen. And when I get pissed off, I don't give chances for people to interrupt me not when I haven't finished with my line just yet. That's not being rude but you are just being firm. But being me, sometimes I just care so much with what other people will feel. I guess maybe, I am born with big heart? I don't know.

What about you?

Anyway, this is my team at work. Don't you notice that we Sabahan is far more flexible. We can mix around so well with any other races. After-all, this is what I felt and I am not trying to raise any issue here. Peace.

I am born with a straight black hair. But I always wish to have a long curly hair.
When I was a kid, I used to force mom to bring me for a hairdo.
And mommy will say, no you can't perm your hair. That was quite frustrating!!!

So what I did, when we migrated to KL I get my hair done.
It looks good for a week and I looked like so out of the place a week after that.

Then I get my hair straighten. Yes it looks fine but it so plain Jane.
Then I am longing again for a perm korean hair but this time I put some touched up on it.

It looks fine but it makes my hair really dry. Damned it.

Then I chopped my hair off.
Then I saw Rihanna with her cute bob style hair. I thought it would be cool. So I did mine.
Then again, I am longing for a long hair.

And I managed to get my hair long enough. So I permed it again. Hair was a disaster back then. And I was advised to cut it short because it was really really messed up.

Now I am with my short hair for almost a year. I kinda love it.

So how do you like me with my hair short???

I am approximately 197 miles away from my boyfriend. We are fine. It is normal to fight sometimes. There are times when I get upset with him. And there are times when I just could not get hold of him. But amazingly he always takes thing positive. And that means something to me.

Honestly;

When I first met him, my mind was all over the place. I am sitting next to him staring at him and wondering who is him.  I could not define him. But I guess that was pretty normal.

I have to admit that it is pretty hard to open up my heart for someone who come so sudden in to my life. It is nothing about moving on, it's just that I have issues with trust.

Thinking back;

I was staring at his messages one morning and I was reading it all over again. I thought he must be some crazy man who have nothing better to do. But I did reply because I am so curious to get his answer back. And I thought it was nothing serious back then. So I don't really think about it and move on with life like normal.

He asked me out. And I told him I was sick and yes I was sick and tired the whole week as I've been working on my project at work which was pending for quite sometimes. And he asked me what about the next day. I am not sure what did I answered. But I was undecided back then. I guess I told myself that I don't want to die young. So I told my best friend about this and she said I shouldn't meet him.

But like I said, I am a risk taker. I came to see him and I almost cried when I couldn't find him at the Starbuck. And I am not pretty sure what I did but I was there staring at him and digesting him in my own way.

It takes time to know a person and for me action speaks louder than words.

I never knew that we would come this far.
But I knew that I have this feeling that slowly growing for this man.

You, I want you to know that it is not because who you are or what you do but it is because how you make me feel. How you make me believe. How you make me see.
And how you prove it real.

And thanks for always sticking with me even if I have the worst jokes in the world.

You are my man.

Sometime I could be out of my mind.

There are times when I just say things spontaneously without even have the thought of I might get other people offended. But seriously, I didn't mean it that way.

Anyway, my mommy always said that if I've got nothing nice to say I better keep my mouth seal.

But I always think that being straight forward is good. Because I don't want to bite my tongue till it bleeds. I guess I am more to daddy.

But somehow, I am more to mommy many many years ago. But not till I figure out that dogs don't bite but human does.

I've got this neighbor who somehow really dying for attention. The bad thing is, we were both into this cycling activity and by that it means we know each other. I have his contact number and he got mine. And we somehow a good friend before. But I feel like it wasn't right somehow when he try to get involved so much into my life. I feel like it wasn't right for him to call me like 24/7 and forcing me to do activities with him. I feel like it wasn't right when he get upset for me not answering his text and I feel like it wasn't right to stop me for doing things which I like. I feel like this is absurd and somehow kind of funny.

You know sick people are everywhere.

I don't feel sorry for blocking your number but as a friend I still have this kind of respect towards you. We are only human who sometime makes stupid mistakes. Can really run from it.

All married guys out there. Please be faithful to your wife. 

It doesn't mean that you never see me with my boyfriend means I have no boyfriend. And I have nothing to prove either. 

Have a good Sunday.

It's how you change the ending.
Because the beginning of the chapter has been ruined.

I always have issues with my name. But then I figure out that it was not only me who having the same issue.

Well my name is just fine, nothing wrong with that. 

The only thing is, my name have this "Binti" and people always misunderstood me. You know what I mean? Ain't you.

From where I come from, it is very common to have this "bin" or "binti" especially those who born in the year of 70s and 80s and maybe before the 70s as my mother has it too. And we are clearly a Christian. 

I am sorry to say this. I don't mean to make this as a racist issue or any conflict at the first place.

I write this because this is based on the experience I've been through for so many years.

And I just want people to understand that, don't judge someone by their name. Because your fact could be wrong -  especially IF you doesn't know EAST MALAYSIAN that well.

I was once asked about my religion and I said I am a Roman Catholic ( and I am still ) . And they said but you name got "binti". I was so stunned that I could not answer. Not because I don't have the answer but I was like, what is that got to do with my name and my religion?. 

Anyway, I think you should read this. It explains why we East Malaysian has this "Bin/Binti". And we are still a Christian Isu Bin/Binti @ Sabah  and Full Story 2012 @ Sabah Times

Forum Good One

When I was little, my mom says that I am too secretive.

I find it is really hard to express my feeling. Then I started to write a letter to my mom.

I was 16 when I first sent Dad an email.

I find it is easy to write rather than saying. But when I really say something - that's mean I really mean it.

Because now I come to realize that we only say something when we really really really mean it. Like when you are telling someone that you really miss him/her. You only tell them when you really really mean it. 

The thing about me is it takes sometimes for people to understand me. It takes some time to know all about myself because I am not the type who like to pour everything overnight. It is not that I am not being truthful. It's just that I am very selective to whom I really want to open up with.

My dad always said, it takes time to know a person. I've been honest to almost everyone back then when I was a small girl but somehow people takes thing for granted. Can't blame much because this is life. Then I choose to stay secretive and selective. Things can go slow. Like daddy said, it takes time to know a person. 

I've got this principle, I stay truthful to those who deserve me. I'll open up when I am ready. 

My mom once said that life is not a fairy tale.

I am not waiting for a prince charming to come and rescue me.

I just need someone who understands my emotion, my feeling, my writing and let me be myself.

I need:

A person who thinks I am pretty when I am at my naked face.

A person who thinks I am amazing even if I  know nothing about the politics.

A person who never let go of me even if I am almost giving up.

A person who I can hold hands forever.

A person who can hold on me even when I get angry.

A person who never stops talking to me excitedly even if sometimes it's annoying.

And most of all, I need a person who I can trust and makes me feel safe.

Safe as in, I know I am not going to miss my parents even if I know I'll live 4000 miles away from home away from mommy and daddy. Because I know I got him. And the reason I am with him is because I love him. Nothing else matter. Because the heart is the matter.

Now this makes me afraid.

I am not sure what to write tonight.

I've been writing so much but I kept deleting them.

Oh I hate this feeling.

I hate what I heard. I hate everything.

Mom said once that I am good at hiding my feeling. 

I am not sure how true it is.

I am quite upset. Because I knew it.

Anyway, no point writing.

I don't usually get sick that easy but when I did...I'd really sick like really really sick.
However I went to work as usual today...only to find out that things get messed up.
Anyway, I've got no time for that kind of stupid stuff. So I'd finish whatever I have to do.

When everybody gets suspicious - I decided to stay out of the whole sticky situation. Actually, I have nothing much to do anymore. And the rest of the day I am bored to death.

I am sick with the gossips and I've got no mood to talk to anyone since I am having a very bad sore throat today.The traffic was real bad this morning and I was late again for the million times.

Plan to get something for breakfast but it was  too late and I don't want to get busted for no good reason.

Boyfriend is busy and I understand when he gets busy - he will be really really busy. So I don't want to put him in pressure for nothing. So I give him a day off today.

The rain was pretty heavy than the usual.
When I reach home aunty was cleaning the room. I waited and I fall to sleep for I don't know how many hours.

I am missing my mommy. But I don't want her to get worried about me. So I didn't tell her that I get sick.
She knew that when I get sore throat that's mean bad fever. Last time whenever I got sore throat mommy will check me like zillion time just to make sure my temperature is fine.

Anyway, today I got to know about Wanie. I felt sorry for her. I knew it was pretty hard to accept the fact that the person that we once loved has lied all the while. I've been calling her like so many times just to make sure she is fine. I come to believe that everything has its explanation of its own.

Moving on is pretty tough but once you've passed it through, it brings you the life which lead you the better.

Nothing comes easy.

P/S I am missing my man now :(

I am writing this now with my heart sinking.
I woke up this morning with a fever and  a sore throat.

Today I am sick and upset.
Upset because nobody seems to care.

I made a huge mistake by approving strangers to follow me on Instagram.
I've been deleting most of my self-portrait pictures from this morning.
And I've blocked few people.

I felt uneasy when one of this freaking weird man keeps on posting a comment to most of my self-portrait photos. He will "LIKE" most of my new post and when I looked back all his comments I feel like I wanna throw up.

So I deleted most of my self-portrait photos.

And one thing I learnt today, never approve strangers on Instagram. I've been so much extra careful on Facebook. Now I have to be extra careful on Instagram also else I might just shut down this account and open a new one.

Sorry strangers, you've been blocked!

Writing this with myself lying on my bed staring at the ceiling fan spinning. Spinning. And Spinning.
I remember doing this long time before.

The curtain was closed. I let the music on. Loud. Very loud.
There is this pain on my chest. Tried to scream but no ones hear me.
It feels like the cold breeze blows my heart.

Maybe I am just another fool.

Tried to close my eyes but I felt this cold tears running through my cheek.
Am I numb that I could not feel my heart anymore?
Empty.

If I only know what the future holds.
You break my heart!

You make me look 10 times stupid. You break my heart!
You break my heart.
I am just one stupid girl who holds on to her promise. Who stick throughout the rain and sun.
But now, this is another forgotten story that soon people will forget.

Because I am not important to you. Let alone to even care about me.

I wish I am wicked. Why can't I?
Why can't I?

I am devastated.

When everybody seem to know everything about myself although the matter of fact they know nothing. I still keep writing and wishing all this just the another chapter of my fairy tales. Because I believe in fairy tales and I am searcing for my missing piece.

I've got everything but yet I can't tell about my missing piece.

I feel like giving up. I cry.
But the moment I feel like to, it reminds me the picture of God.

Damned! I told myself I am not that religious.
I wish I am wicked and I wished that my heart made by stone.

For whatever the confusion is. I'll stay true to myself. Even though maybe you are just playing around with my feeling. It could be your way of rebound.

The thing about my boyfriend is, when he gets busy he forgets about me.
The thing about my boyfriend is, he doesn't know how to express his feeling.
The thing about my boyfriend is, he always makes me wait.
The thing about my boyfriend is, he is good at talking. Call him the philosopher. He got tons of idea or plan in his head and he always got the reason to answer me back,literally. I feel like I am dating a Professor at some point because he  always have a question to shoot me - which is good for some reason but at the same time it was bad because half of it I don't understand. Now he is not only  makes me read Economic or Politic, I also have to expose myself to the things which I used to ignore most of my life. Which is entirely very well.

I am not sure how well we are getting along together but I finds he somehow annoying - I have a list okay. But overall he is funny. It just that he so not sensitive. Tell him I am sick pun buat bodoh. Why lah?

Boyfriend why can't you be a little more ROMANTIC?
Boyfriend why can't you show a little more EXPRESSION?

Baby why can't you be a little more SENSITIVE to my feeling?

And obviously I was UPSET with you last night. And you can just say GOOD NIGHT BABY Tomorrow got shoot, see you at night in KL.

NOW, I am obviously waiting. Are you reading this now? I know you are reading this ( and will be ) because you told me you are my No.1 fan.

And I killed your Mori Plant. I am sorry. It was too hot and he can't survive with this kind of weather.

So he promised me a thing.

YOU PROMISED!!!!

But, still HE means something for me.

I just don't believe it when my HR Manager pulled me into her room. She said, she is happy for my new career and wish me luck but at the same time she is sad for letting me go as she truly like me.

I said, whoa - what's that supposed to be.

I didn't answer much but I remember for telling her that I am thankful for all the support and so but I need to go as this is my opportunity. And I told her, we will talk about this tomorrow which means today.

Later that day, as I was walking to the car park with Ika she told me that she was pretty upset with me.  She said, none of them expecting this. Nobody will expect that I will leave.

And I could never imagine this either. But nobody knows what the future holds. I am just making the best out of everything I can.

I felt like, I've been the center of attention this few days.

Anyway, how is your day so far? I learn that my new hairstyle makes me look like so chubby bunny. I shouldn't get a fringe at the first place. Ha-Ha

I've been friends with Jason for like almost a year now. Not really a year but it's going to soon.
I remember when we first met I was like texting him inside the car and I looked at him and smiled. He said, silly come out from the car. I refused and he came out and stand next to the driver seat. He is not my boyfriend. Don't worry.

And, we were chatting on Whatsapp like everyday. He knows that I am into dancing and he knew I love Chatime. And I know that he goes for Badminton on Monday and Futsal on Wednesday and Drinking on Friday. Laugh out loud. But don't worry he is not my boyfriend.

And  then we fight. We hate each other. I hate him and he hates me too. But still he's on my Facebook. So he told me, I should have a real friend. I shouldn't chatting a lot. He said I should go out and experience real life. I think we both so pissed off with each other so we stop talking.

Jason taught me what is Honesty. He said I could be anybody but lies can't take me anywhere.
Jason said, those who tell lies have a really low self - esteem.
Jason said, we shouldn't lie especially to those people who love us.

I don't understand. But now I understand what is Honesty all about.
You can be anybody but lies won't take you anywhere.
And this is one of the reason why I am being honest to my boyfriend and keep telling him not to lie to each other.

So one day, I was driving back home and we were talking over the phone. I heard this song by HCR. I asked Jason. Do you know that this is my favorite song? Do you know which band is this? And he answered, it's Hot Chelle Rae. And he told me he like that song but he doesn't want to put it on his Facebook wall.

And we fight again. YES we fight a lot last year. But do not worry, he is not my boyfriend.
So we stopped talking and one day I sent him How Do You Do text on Whatsapp. He replied, same time I just about to ask you too. But then, I don't know what happenned. We stopped talking again.

So now we both have the love of our lives. He got his girl and I got my man. But we still not talking.
I don't know maybe we think it's awkward. Because we've been so close before.

So one day he told me about the latest single from HCR.
It's call Hung Up. He said replay 10 times. I laughed and I said my new obsession is Cher Llyod.

Obviously I still do think he is one of my closes friends. And sometime I do think about him even though sometime he so mean to me.

Laugh Out Loud. So the reason for me to write this because - I want to tell you I have a friend call Jason. Ha-Ha
Do you have a friend call Jason then? Because I have one.

I'll finish whatever I started.
So I break the news today. He looked so shocked.
Everyone doesn't seem happy knowing that I am leaving.
None of them expecting this news on Monday afternoon.

But nothing can stop me anymore. I would never let that happen. I've gone so far now, I made too many tough decisions since last year and I am glad I've overcome my fear.

Now that I am done digesting everything, I'll move forward to the next level of my career.

And the thing about Alexa, she so soft-hearted. But I stand for what I believe today. I would not stay anymore because the moment when I chose to walk out I've told myself I would never turn back anymore. Call me stubborn whatever you like. I am just moving to the next level of my career.

Finally I have the gut to say NO and I stand for the things I want the most in life. I face my fear literally.

So hey ! wink~~~ this is the best news ever!

Today I woke up and I wished that Ryan Keith is my boyfriend.
Or maybe Nash Overstreet. I tell you they are hot dude.

And I'm like whoa my latest obsession is Hot Chelle Rae. I always think that guy with ink are hotter. Like me. Laugh Out Loud. Sometime people give the wrong impression to those people who got tattooed on their body. I mean what is fucking wrong with you people?. Having a tattoo doesn't mean that you are cruel. Whatever makes you people happy, I don't give a damn anymore.

And I guess I am too soft that most of the time people take things for granted on me. I was just trying to be nice and now I guess I shouldn't do that because I know I myself worth more than 10 million times.

Anyway, that's not the point. The point here is Hot Chelle Rae. OMG. Can I party with Ryan Keith tonight??

So do you feel like getting yourself tattooed?

Photo Credit to HCR Photo's in FB

So I thought Wanie was busy with her boyfriend and I drove for late lunch alone. I was at the traffic light and  I was busy looking at my compact powder's mirror just to make sure my hair is cool.

There was this car keep giving me high and low beam since just now and I am pretending like Yo dude I don't give a damn. So I was driving at my own risk. And little did I know it was Kelvin. I was like whoa!

So I dropped by at the Starbuck again just to see Wanie and I found out that Kelvin was there.Like seriously, I really have no clue. Wanie said, there your secret admirer is sitting there. I was like for God sake.

His mom was looking at me and I was like, Wanie can we switch? I think I better sit there. I don't feel comfortable with people looking me like that.

And his mom came by and talked to us. I was like, gosh.
And his mom was telling us that his son is single no girlfriend. I was like, whoa Wanie is single.

I mean this is sound ridiculous but I have to say that I got to know this aunty during Chinese New Year when I visited Starbuck. I felt so guilty for making a quick judgment and i covered it up by talking to her and accompany her quite a few times. And that she asked for my number and told me a little bit about Kelvin. And I was like whoa!

But I managed to escape. Laughed.
And I said, Wanie that aunty is freaking creepy.

And Wanie said, it's okay to be creepy at least we know that person is true for you.

And I am like Whoa!

Sometime they thought that they know me very well. But they not.

My heart made of stone and when I slow down that's mean I am losing hope. Slowly.

I can be very direct to people but at the same time I am hoping the same too.

It's a simple word Yes for the thing which you can and No for the thing you can't.

It is not hard to catch my breath.

I am learning how to react every day. Try as hard to be on the positive side. But I guess, I am the only one who working on things. Maybe I am wrong.

But how to prove it when everything I feel and everything I saw all torn.

This is a ridiculous Fairy Tale I must say.

Help me to understand things.

I am a good girl with a big heart. But now, I am lost.

I don't feel like writing anything today.
I  felt like frozen. But here I am still trying to write something which upsets me. And now after what happened, I can't barely remember what was it about.

I drove to the Starbuck and ordered my drink. And they noticed me.
They are few people around there who noticed me with my hair. They said it look good on me.
It's cool when people notice that little things about me.

The weather some how really freaking hot today and I can't even bear myself to stay at home.
I don't bother to text Wanie because I know that she's out with the boyfriend.

I don't know what I am feeling now.
I wish I knew.

Sometime I wish, He knows how I feel. But people don't change overnight.

Anyway, saw this from one of the blog. It said; You Never Know What You Will Miss Untill You Loss Them.You Never Know What You Will Need Untill You Missed Them.

Seriously, it turned me off.

So Happy Sunday.

Sometime I am wondering what are you doing right now.
Sometime I was wondering did you really cut me off the other day.
There are times like this when, I don't know who you really are.

I wish I can see a video of you or a photo of you everyday, but we are not friends at Facebook. So I have no clue.


Maybe I am not that important.

Boey was writing about how he gets a watermelon as a cake for Ellery's birthday.
I laughed out loud when I got to know that he got Ellery a Banana as a birthday gift.

I told Boey I wouldn't want a Banana for a Birthday Gift. And he said I should ask for Manana which means tomorrow and isn't that diiiirty. Okay right.

So I got this banana yesterday.

I went to visit an old friend today. I tried to make sure I'll reach there before lunch hour.
And I was reading a magazine while waiting for that familiar face to come and pick me up.

It says that, the key to happiness is to face your fear. Everyone has fear so do I. I can seem to figure out what is my fear now. But my brain so frozen to even think about it.


Because, insensitivity feels like a long nightmare dreams.

There is always some truth behind ; Just Kidding
Knowledge behind ; I don't know
Emotion behind ; I don't care

And

Pain behind ; It's okay.

So today is the last day of February.
And Monster was asking me last night if I am "sure" to write like every day or not.

I don't remember what exactly I answered him. But I'll try to write like everyday because now I have a regular subscriber wink~ wink~

So I am addicted to this Little Flower. It said that this is a perfect gift for Modern People.
And it's definitely true. I spent like an hour just to choose the best Little Flower for me and Monster.

They have like 9-colors which represent  different meaning. Mine is Dark Blue which represents Career Advancement, Anti-Villain and Honesty. And my Monster is Orange which brings the meaning of Adventurous, Happiness and Good Luck.

I told him and the very next day he was asking me if it is genetic flower or what. I asked him - don't you like it? He said YES. Okay that's quite alright.

Anyway,I can't get enough with this Little Flower. I love them.

And I feel like buying them all. Laugh Out Loud.

Sometime I do stupid things. But don't worry I am not going to buy all that Little Flowers unless if it's my wedding day. Haaa~~~~

So, do you addicted to anybody recently?

P/S How about you Monster? I thought you were telling me we are going to celebrate the Valentine together soon?

I finally decided to move my career to the next level.
I've gone for two interviews already.

The thing with me is I get bored easily with the same old routine. I like something which is new and challenging. I have to admit that I am quite a fast learner so learning a new thing for me is not a hard thing beside I am set for adaptation very well.

So my close friend at working place was telling me not to go. Reason is, they won't have a buddy anymore.
Somehow, living in this cruel world - we just need to be selfish at some certain of level. I don't know, perhaps I've learned that I've got to be mean and forget about the fact of hurting other people feeling. As I've been so careful with everyone's feeling all the times ( I think ).

So I believe what I wanted to believe and no other people can force me. If I have to believe in something nonsense then it is up to me because that doesn't mean that I am a bad person, am I?

Coming back, the job which I am applying is good.I've stated my expectation and for the first time I am being firm to what I want without have to worry about them getting offended.

I shouldn't really care what other people think about myself. Because if I do, I won't go anywhere.



So, Project 365: Day 5 on New Thing is done!

I don't know if you are reading this but you've been hacking my Facebook ever since.
You've been hacking my email quite sometimes too.

I've been changing my password ever since and you've just hacked my email last weekend.
But there was nothing there to read. Because I am smart enough.

Maybe you've forgotten I am very good in IT. And you were stunned when I showed you how I fixed my old computer.

You know that I am not stupid.

Anyway, I am just wondering - why so sudden leh? Laugh out loud....

So I was upset with my boyfriend the other day.
And he was pissed off with me too.

So we have not been talking like 2-days.

So that was our first fight?. Maybe.
So I have to agree fighting sometime good because it helps both to understand each other especially me.

And seriously, silent treatment doesn't really works.
And sometimes I think I don't  want to give in.
But then I miss him. And he meant a lot.

So I said, it's time to grow up. This is not a teenagers love relationship. This is real life.
And am like, "Yeah baby, I like you...!!"

Yes, Long Distance Relationship is so tough. But I know we can do it. A positive vibe will lead the way.

Lots of love..Lots of love...lots of love.

Thank you baby for still sticking up with me even though I came to be the person with no "mind" - ( sound familiar eh?)

Don't give up just yet as the new beginning just about to start.

I was reading to Jo's blog this morning. Actually this gonna be the fifth times of me reading the same post. I like it when she writes about Alex. And how she told Alex for the first time,"I Love You". Although it was not exactly "I Love You" but that sound the same.

Have you ever told anyone, " I Love You" first?

It will be pretty awesome right to hear this from someone dear to you. At least you know they appreciate you.
Laugh out loud.

I'd say I Love You to my parents.

Now what I am going to do today? A big mistake for taking a day off on Monday.

Maybe I sleep.

Good night lah.

The best way to appreciate someone is to imagine your life without them - Joseph Germani

So she got Reuben Kang. Laugh out Loud. But he is cute though.

Did you throw your oranges too? I told the boys and they were laughing at me. What the heck!

Jay once said I should learn Korean so that I can do the rapping in Korean. I laughed out loud today. It was raining and I didn't take out my umbrella, instead I ran off with my jacket and hood on. He told me I look like a school girl running like that.

He asked, why wouldn't I have my umbrella on. I told him, leceh bah! Laugh out loud.
It was really raining like seriously and I told him lucky tomorrow I am not working now the rain makes me sick ha-ha.

So we went to this restaurant and ordered some food. I told him, wait wait wait take picture first. This is going to be my Project 365.

I don't know how will people describe me. But at least I know those people who are comfortable with me think I am special. Javier sent me email yesterday and he thought that my writing is getting better. He told me that he stopped writing for like an ages now and the inspiration is like dead. So what happen to the Pizza Boy story? Because he thought he write better than Irvine Walsh. Well I think I write better than him. Laugh out loud.

So today I went to Jay's studio. There were five of us. I was jokingly telling them that we should make a team and sing like Paperplane or we can ask Joseph for a short movie break. Laugh out loud, did you watch My Valentine story by Joseph?

Pretty awesome right?

I think we should include one of the Kitingan's brother to sing. Laugh out loud.

So we lepak at the Starbuck today and here I am camwhoring with my messy hair.
And Steven said Muah! for the photogenic pictures. Laugh Out Loud. He said I can make a lot of money with my photos already. Today my friends really entertain me.

So they challenge me to do a Vlog. Can. I am searching for a song now.

Alrite, so Sunday was fine. I was out with my college friends. The boys are fine. They still crack a stupid jokes like the old days.

And Wanie, is good. I helped her to get the Barista's number and instead he asked for my number. Laugh out loud.

Ok good nite...

By the way, I got  interview on Tuesday. Wish me luck.
And I am glad I am finally leaving. Wish me luck lah you all. Ha-Ha.
Rmb, you always got choices in life!

Project 365 : Sunday - Done !